31 Oct 06 UK taking back the US.
Off of Slashdot.org, best comment I have read in a while.
This is the UK, as your constitution isn’t worth toilet paper now, we’re revoking your independence:
To the Citizens of the United States of America:
In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories (excepting Kansas, which she does not fancy). Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. You should look up “revocation” in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up “aluminium,” and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter ‘U’ will be reinstated in will learn to spell ‘doughnut’ without skipping half the letters, and the suffix will be replaced by the suffix “ise.” You will learn that the suffix ‘burgh’ is pronounced ‘burra’; you may elect to respell Pittsburgh as ‘Pittsberg’ if you find you simply can’t cope with correct pronunciation. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels (look up “vocabulary”). Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as “like” and “you know” is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.
2. There is no such thing as “US English.” We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter ‘u’ and the elimination of “-ize.”
3. You will relearn your original national anthem, “God Save The Queen”, but only after fully carrying out Task #1 (see above).
4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. November 2nd will be a called “Come-Uppance Day.”
5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you’re not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you’re not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you’re not grown up enough to handle a gun. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
6. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
7. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling “gasoline”)-roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.
8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called “crisps.” Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with mayonnaise but with vinegar.
9. Waiters and waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.
10. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as “beer,” and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as “Lager.” American brands will be referred to as “Near-Frozen Gnat’s Urine,” so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
11. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in “Four Weddings and a Funeral” was an experience akin to having one’s ears removed with a cheese grater.
12. You will cease playing American “football.” There is only one kind of proper football; you call it “soccer.” Those of you brave enough will, in time, will be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American “football”, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the “World Series” for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.
13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It’s been driving us mad.
14. An internal revenue agent (i. e. tax collector) from Her Majesty’s Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776). Thank you for your co-operation and have a great day.
15. Start pronouncing “Queen Camilla.” She will be your next queen!
05 Oct 06 Parents in America… idiots?
Ok I am no parent. However with organizations such as the Parents Television Council of America, it really shows how overprotective a parent in this country is.
Lets take a look at Parentstv.org, PTC’s official website. On their website you can look up a TV show and see what they, the council, review it as. You have a green, yellow and red light. Compiled from sub categories such as Sex, Language and Violence. All terribly bad things apparently.
For example the show House, about a doctor who uses questionable tactics to cure his patients with a team of doctors. The scenes can be graphic, I’ll admit (anything involving an eye… YUCK!). The PTC rates this their worst rating, RED! It gets a red for sex and language. A yellow for violence (even though in almost every episode the patient is restrained and shock, Dr. House was shot in Season 2′s finale episode, even showing the blood stains in Season 3′s 1st & 2nd episode).
Now lets take a look at 7th Heaven, voted Green all across the board. Meaning it gets the PTC’s blessing. How in the world could this show get a green. A show about a protestant reverend, his wife and their many children. I say many. They have seven children. That is abnormally high. The parents can be considered rabbits with the way they procreate. Then on top of that, all of their childeren seem to get married 2 years out of high school, on average. Oh and the oldest daughter, Mary, has seemingly cheated on her husband AND then cheated on her lover who she chose to stay with. Is this the thing you want to teach your children?
In conclusion, I’d rather have my kids watch House or War at Home and teach them that TV is FICTION then to show them 7th Heaven, which according to the PTC, “The Rev. Eric Camden and his wife, Annie, have created an atmosphere conducive to honesty and open communication.”. If I want my TV to teach my children I’ll turn on Discovery, but most importantly I know I will have failed as a parent if I need to show my kids 7th Heaven in order for them to learn a lesson or two.
17 Aug 06 Save the Internet!
18 Feb 06 So I turned 21…
Exactly one week ago it was my birthday, my big 21 as a lot of people would say. In America that means only one thing to many, finally being able to legally drink and no longer having a zero tolerance policy (it’s been upped to 0.08).
What I find funny is that when I order or buy alcohol now I get carded each and every time. I haven’t bought alcohol yet without being carded. As opposed to my debit card which has “SEE ID” written on the signature line, no one ever asks me for ID. I bought something at Fry’s and easily spent over $100, didn’t get asked for ID. It’s so bad that Cam can take my card and buy stuff with it. Only once has she been asked for ID with my debit card and that was when she was buying food for herself.
I understand that waiters, liquor stores and what not can get into a lot of trouble for selling alcohol to a minor, however aren’t they losing money by accepting fraudulent credit/debit cards. These employers need to start training their employees to ask for ID when they are presented an unpictured debit/credit card, however I think were still far off from that day.
17 Feb 06 Top 3 on What people hate hearing from their boss
I wonder what people hate hearing from their boss. Unfortunately I don’t have any ‘readers’ to have this question answered. There are many things (good and bad) you can hear from management. Over the 5 years that I have joined the work force I’ve heard a lot of ‘em (but I bet not all). These are probably the top 3 I heard being said at one point or another.
The top 3….
1. Being told that you might be fired or “your not fired yet” by your boss. No one likes to be told that their job is on the line. Sure one could look at being fired is worse, but is it? At least then the mandalin already came falling down on your neck. Threatening is like torture. I’d pick death over torture any day. Personally it would make me feel insignificant, worthless and scared about my job and if next month’s bills will be paid.
2. Being told it will come in the future or in the coming months. This is the type of technique used to very often delay a request by employee(s). Whether its a promotion, pay raise or just needing stickies for your cubicle. Personally it would make me lose confidence in my boss.
3. Being told that if you try to go somewhere else you will get a bad reference. Oh I bet this has happened to the best of us. It has happened so often that in many states (including Washington) this is completely illegal. If someone comes checking for a reference the only information that the previous employer is allowed to disclose is the fact that he/she did work for the company, position and the tenure at the company. Any bad references that isn’t backed up with hard evidence could be seen as slander as it is the opinion of one person at the company (It’s technically even not allowed to disclose the good, but no one would complain would they 
).
So that is my top 3. I bet it’d be terrible if your boss had said all those things to you. However it wouldn’t surprise if some have indeed been told all of the items on my top 3 from their boss.
